Crazy

I once heard a quote that said, ” if you are asking your self if you’re crazy, than you’re probably crazy.” If that’s true than my whole concept of life is out the window. From the time I was in 5th grade I used the word crazy, normally referring to my mother (who years in the future would be diagnosed schizophrenic and bi polar), but even though I didn’t have the grasp on modern day definition of the word, I thought I knew what I was saying.
So here I am at 22 and questioning all these things I thought were “crazy”. The abuse suffered from my mom that eventually was taken to court and my entire family was behind me about is the thing that I am questioning. Because if I was in fact right about the situation and the activities and my mother herself being psychotic than I must be right about the situation now, yet someone who once scoffed at this delusional lady they call me mother is now acting like it herself!
How can you be so hypocritical about something so prominent in our daily lives?
How can you not see that you are behaving like her? But you say I am!
So maybe I am the one crazy!
How will I ever know?
And the fact that I am asking and questioning, does that make me the crazy one?
I feel so sure of what I am seeing and that I have made the right choices regarding it all, but yet I’m so blown away by the fact that you can’t see it and that makes me wonder…
which one of us is blind?!

Inspiration found in the oddest places

As I woke up Sunday morning with hangover written all over my face, I instantly started to regret the things I had done the night before, and I may be naive and a bit immature at times, but I have had enough experience to realize that I am not the only girl, or person for that matter, that has wanted to kick herself for the terrible choices she had made! I have been experiencing this awful feeling a lot more lately and I am going to blame that on the fact that I have been single and trying to get myself out there to not only meet new guys, but new friends as well. At the young age of 22 I find that my life is taking a new turn every week, and I started thinking that there has to be other girls in my position, other girls who are genuinely trying to do their best and seem to get knocked down more times than not, so instead of soaking in my sadness and embarrassment with beer or ice cream (or both) I thought I could put this out there and hope that some one somewhere could let me know I am not alone and that maybe there are answers out there!

The last few months I have been ignoring all the classic signs of “player,” and all of my friend’s advice about this “boy” ( he is not a man), because I “have a feeling about him” well apparently I was way off on that feeling! After being single for about a year and having no interest in any guy that had shown interest in me, I had finally found someone who gave me those feelings  of excitement, now don’t misunderstand me, I didn’t have butterflies or see fireworks or any of that, I was just simply excited about this new prospect that had shown interest when I wasn’t looking for anything and he fit my criteria! For a few months we texted and hung out in group settings, but no date, and me being the girl that I am was getting frustrated and simply asked him what his intentions were and he answered quite frankly that he was definitely interested in me and has only not asked me out due to time commitments, and I believed him!!! So feeling confident that I would be moving farther along with this boy I got dressed to the nines on saturday when I knew I would see him!!! Imagine my disappointment about 10 beers and 4 hours later when he ignored me and was all over another girl right in front of me and everyone. What I should have done was act like it didn’t bother me, go about my day, have fun, and never speak to that loser again, but the beer and liquor had another idea that ended with many tears in front of everyone including him! And he was such a classy guy that he decided to not even acknowledge me, Thanks so much for that douche bag! To top my embarrassment and hurt off, he texted my friend the next day to ask if I was ok and to let her know that I was just an emotional drunk ( which typically I am not) and I needed to grow up! If in his world growing up means to sleep with multiple people and show no emotion ( I did not sleep with him thank goodness) than I don’t want to grow up!

This is only one of many things that have happened to me lately that I would like to erase completely, but if I can reach out to other girls that are feeling like me than maybe something good can come out of all these days that people call life! I have never blogged or done much social media at all so please excuse me if this is not up to code. I’m just a baby blogger trying to find her place!